FOG.

" You shouldn't have but you said it

' And I hope you never come back'

It shouldn't have happened but you let it
Now you're down on the ground screaming medic
The only thing that comes is the post-traumatic stresses
Shields, body armours and vests
Don't properly work, that's why you're in a locker full of hurt
The enemy within and all the fires from your friends
The best medicine is to probably just let her win

I wish I couldn't feel, I wish I couldn't love
I wish that I could stop 'cause it hurts so much
And I’m the only one that's trying to keep us together
When all of the signs say that I should forget her
I wish you weren’t the best, the best I ever had
I wish that the good outweighed the bad
Cause it’ll never be over, until you tell me it's over

These battle scars, don’t look like they’re fading
Don’t look like they’re ever going away
They ain't never gonna change

These battle scars, don’t look like they’re fading
Don’t look like they’re ever going away
They ain't never gonna change
These battle

'Cause you've set me on fire
I’ve never felt so alive, yeah

Hoping wounds heal, but it never does
That's because you're at war with love."

Excerpt from "Battle Scars", sung  by Guy Sebastian and Lupé Fiasco. Written by David Harris, Wasalu Jaco, and Guy Sebastian.

Do you ever have days where you go through the motions with your head in a fog, frequently wondering why you went to that physical or digital space, what was I going to do? Why am I here? Why did I do that? What is the damned point?

My hubby told me he would meet me somewhere tonight at a given time. I was in Claudio's, and half an hour later I asked him, where am I supposed to meet him? I took a guess and went to the right place, I got my duties done in a muddled way, the tasks I've done for a million years, the female just getting on with it and wondering, why am I here? What about me? I've forgotten what I ever wanted?

Oh, now I remember. I wanted someone who just "got" me. 

I have been reading "Sophie's Choice" by William Styron. It's a book you should read, if you're an adult and not easily annoyed by rude or long words. However, the book is not helping dispel my drifting aching thoughts. There's the obvious reason, man's unbelievable inhumanity to man, extend that to both genders. 

However, a secondary theme is the relationship of Sophie, the Polish immigrant, and Nathan, her genius boyfriend. She has been through Hell, he has a mental illness and drug addiction, and when he relapses, lives in Hell, so do his nearest and dearest. The relationship is loving until it is volatile. The volatility is a release in itself, the only silver lining, so many tears does Sophie shed, tears she normally holds in all of her waking hours, pushes them down as she makes a living, shops, goes to the pub , listens to music as therapy. When Nathan abuses her she releases torrents of them, a Niagara Falls. He pushes her buttons when he is in an acute phase of his illness " why did you survive while so many died? " Horrendous thing to say, but no worse than her own unbearable feelings, that she tries to push down to maintain smiles and grace. 

When someone "gets" us, they can say the things about us that everyone else is too polite to say, but then still love us. 

I have had my share of volatile relationships, including most recently the Cat and the Chook; but also the calmer kind. So many of the other party were gifted. However it needn't follow that they "got" me. 

Opens for Americans

Opens for Australians, people from other countries could try both or Google the song, it's well worth it:

I want the privatest funeral. Someone there to genuinely pray for my soul. Someone there to make sure that I'm buried decently. But I don't want to be talked about. No wake, no refreshments, no people discussing me. They don't really know me. 

Maybe they could say, if they did: "she strived to 'get' some people, and she still loved them." Sometimes, in a fog of forgetting, love is all of your awareness. 

I don't know, (shrugs), what did I come in here for? 

Oh, I remember a symbolism that struck me. Trump this week at NATO is Nathan, the New World, blundering in, and Sophie is Europe. There he stands, yelling at her "look at what you did, why should I help you?" Through his own fog, layers of it, ( like Europeans have layers of bodies and history literally buried) , Trump is isolated, insulated, and groping in the uncertainty, for love. Just as post war USA groped sightless with having to help Europe then. As Acerules honestly said in the previous blog post "I have not been through it, I can't pretend to know."  They do not "get" it.

One step away at all times from stepping off the unseen cliff .

safe link to Sophie's Choice book review