Friday, 26 May 2017

FOG.


You shouldn't have but you said it

' And I hope you never come back'
It shouldn't have happened but you let it
Now you're down on the ground screaming medic
The only thing that comes is the post-traumatic stresses
Shields, body armours and vests
Don't properly work, that's why you're in a locker full of hurt
The enemy within and all the fires from your friends
The best medicine is to probably just let her win
I wish I couldn't feel, I wish I couldn't love
I wish that I could stop 'cause it hurts so much
And I’m the only one that's trying to keep us together
When all of the signs say that I should forget her
I wish you weren’t the best, the best I ever had
I wish that the good outweighed the bad
Cause it’ll never be over, until you tell me it's over
These battle scars, don’t look like they’re fading
Don’t look like they’re ever going away
They ain't never gonna change
These battle scars, don’t look like they’re fading
Don’t look like they’re ever going away
They ain't never gonna change
These battle
'Cause you've set me on fire
I’ve never felt so alive, yeah
Hoping wounds heal, but it never does
That's because you're at war with love."
Excerpt from "Battle Scars", sung  by Guy Sebastian and Lupé Fiasco. Written by David Harris, Wasalu Jaco, and Guy Sebastian.


Do you ever have days where you go through the motions with your head in a fog, frequently wondering why you went to that physical or digital space, what was I going to do? Why am I here? Why did I do that? What is the damned point?

My hubby told me he would meet me somewhere tonight at a given time. I was in Claudio's, and half an hour later I asked him, where am I supposed to meet him? I took a guess and went to the right place, I got my duties done in a muddled way, the tasks I've done for a million years, the female just getting on with it and wondering, why am I here? What about me? I've forgotten what I ever wanted?

Oh, now I remember. I wanted someone who just "got" me. 

I have been reading "Sophie's Choice" by William Styron. It's a book you should read, if you're an adult and not easily annoyed by rude or long words. However, the book is not helping dispel my drifting aching thoughts. There's the obvious reason, man's unbelievable inhumanity to man, extend that to both genders. 

However, a secondary theme is the relationship of Sophie, the Polish immigrant, and Nathan, her genius boyfriend. She has been through Hell, he has a mental illness and drug addiction, and when he relapses, lives in Hell, so do his nearest and dearest. The relationship is loving until it is volatile. The volatility is a release in itself, the only silver lining, so many tears does Sophie shed, tears she normally holds in all of her waking hours, pushes them down as she makes a living, shops, goes to the pub , listens to music as therapy. When Nathan abuses her she releases torrents of them, a Niagara Falls. He pushes her buttons when he is in an acute phase of his illness " why did you survive while so many died? " Horrendous thing to say, but no worse than her own unbearable feelings, that she tries to push down to maintain smiles and grace. 

When someone "gets" us, they can say the things about us that everyone else is too polite to say, but then still love us. 

I have had my share of volatile relationships, including most recently the Cat and the Chook; but also the calmer kind. So many of the other party were gifted. However it needn't follow that they "got" me. 


Opens for Americans




Opens for Australians, people from other countries could try both or Google the song, it's well worth it:






I want the privatest funeral. Someone there to genuinely pray for my soul. Someone there to make sure that I'm buried decently. But I don't want to be talked about. No wake, no refreshments, no people discussing me. They don't really know me. 

Maybe they could say, if they did: "she strived to 'get' some people, and she still loved them." Sometimes, in a fog of forgetting, love is all of your awareness. 

I don't know, (shrugs), what did I come in here for? 

Oh, I remember a symbolism that struck me. Trump this week at NATO is Nathan, the New World, blundering in, and Sophie is Europe. There he stands, yelling at her "look at what you did, why should I help you?" Through his own fog, layers of it, ( like Europeans have layers of bodies and history literally buried) , Trump is isolated, insulated, and groping in the uncertainty, for love. Just as post war USA groped sightless with having to help Europe then. As Acerules honestly said in the previous blog post "I have not been through it, I can't pretend to know."  They do not "get" it.

One step away at all times from stepping off the unseen cliff .


12 comments:

Dan Copping said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dan Copping said...

My soulmate used to tell me people are not meant to be understood.

Is it important that people understand us? I don't know.

There's always more that we can learn about ourselves.

The whole "we go and explore space when we haven't explored most of our own oceans yet" point. Well, space is much more interesting. Everyone knows Neil Armstrong's name. Not the name of some jellyfish.

It's not interesting to everyone though.

What's interesting to you?

Running on empty said...

A wide range of things are interesting to me.

Thanks for commenting, Dan, hope you're doing ok. Regards Cath

KEthical Politics said...

Sometimes fog can protect the mind from reality which might be too harsh to face with clarity....

Running on empty said...


It's so true, KE
I write so much, most of the day, and yet I don't think I'm even saying anything -how does that even make sense? Because I can't say what I want to say without hurting someone or shocking someone?

I feel I was a very well known nobody, who wandered into the yard of a very well known somebody, where I didn't belong, and played on their swing set with them for awhile. But we weren't allowed just to be children.

Then there's my life, no swing sets there for me!

I dream of winning alot of money and buying my friend with the large family carpet for her house, unlimited downloads, thermal underwear and all the meds she needs. Dreaming is so much nicer than taking stock of what I have to do here.

This war stuff I'm researching for another post is so frightening I can't, won't let it penetrate the fog, I should but it's too much.

Fizzfan said...

You can please some of the people some of the time but never all of the people all of the time....
We all dance to different tunes, but everyone's beat is important to them and sometimes it's nice to hear a change in tempo i.e. different views.
You let me put up controversial posts. It would be great to hear some from you or indeed anyone else. It's good to see alternative views or learn something new.
You know I'm a sceptic with socialist tendencies. It would be fab to know of your concerns and views.
Political correctness is good AND bad. It's why an underground movement of expression is growing because of the suppression Governments and the media have been busy erecting. I think it's very important the apathy that has grown is arrested and moderate people having their say is ever more important, even if the subject is far from moderate.
I've just watched a documentary be Noam Chomsky that seems to explain why the rich are getting rich and the poor poorer. It's not by accident. Those in power have engineered it and we have stood by and allowed it to happen.
It's not my imagination. It's REAL.
We grew up in the 60s and 70s when social mobility was at its peak and people had their say. It was actively legislated against and crushing the Unions and the deregulation of business practises was a major step in helping big corporations and the wealthy, whilst reducing our rights and lowering our standards of living. It has had a devastating effect.
We all KNOW the gap between the rich and poor is widening. THEY do nothing to address it. THAT is a mind boggling corruption of our so called democracies.
We've been HAD.
I don't feel optimistic for the future. I live with a general feeling that the masses will continue to be undermined with further debt obligation and further suppression.
But there are those that would bleat that's being NEGATIVE..... OMG I'm so sick of that mantra of indoctrination. I'm not being negative, I'm being bloody honest!
TRUTH is like poetry they say, the problem is, most people hate poetry.
Don't dwell in the fog and don't let fear stop you from self expression. You're a bloody good writer with I'm sure a good heart and good intentions. That's enough reason for anyone to have their say, let alone the person who runs this blog! :)

Running on empty said...


Hmm, well I'm a modern day Catholic, a sinner myself, a person who likes to share, a mother who tends to have an average person's view on things, a gardener and pet owner who believes in preserving the natural environment, an ex health worker that believes in people, in caring for them; a musician, writer , reader, crafter, artist, bit of a cook, in normal times, bit of a fighter when necessary, brave when I have to be, peacemaker when necessary, authoritarian when it's needed, can take direction at other times. I'm good in a crisis situation.

My views centre on individual issues. Sometimes they change for individual cases, I guess that might have made me a good judge. It tends to infuriate my friends at times who might belong to one definite school of thought. I'm interested in nearly everything, but my religion teaches that I not explore the occult, so I don't.

I tend to look for the good in people.

I think the biggest problem in the world is selfishness.

Fizzfan said...

Well that all sounds pretty good n normal to me. Just a shame we don't have more 'normal' people running the world.

I agree, being selfish, short sighted and greedy has been the worlds problem forever.

Britain is a big offender with its Imperialistic history and archaic class system. I don't feel good about that at all, hence I'm very unpatriotic.

Running on empty said...


I suppose the test for patriotism is being an expat and seeing whether you miss the place or not.

Fizzfan said...

For me it's more a sense of whether you feel a sense of pride in the country you come from. I don't have that.

I do however love our countryside and cute picturesque villages etc, but lots of countries are very scenic. Other than that, if you could transport family and friends and instantly know another language, I think I could settle in lots of places.

Running on empty said...


My family and I would welcome you and your family to Australia, Fizz! Only cold for three months a year down the south of the continent, warm all year in the North! Plus our cold doesn't include snow, in cities like Sydneyand Melb.

Running on empty said...

Here's a terrific take on Sophie's choice, I recommend this blog

http://betterlivingthroughbeowulf.com/immigrants-face-a-sophies-choice/